Blog Day 6 Learning to Forgive Myself and Those Around Me

In my earlier years I made the fatal mistake of being conned by a man to whom I had been introduced to by a coworker .  I trusted this coworker as she was an independent and a successful business woman who wound up working for our biomed dept .  

It turned out that her husband was  meeting up with unsavory people and unfortunately I was in one of those desperate times of thinking that my biological was ticking and needed to meet the man of my dreams and have the house with the white picket fence immediately. 

However this was far from the case and without getting into further details he wound up in jail and had liquidated all my funds and I was left literally alone with only a dime in my pocket .

Well because of all the pressure and pain and sorrow this man caused in my life it affected my family.  My family decided that I was too stupid and blamed me for their problems as this man ( he was a con man) also affected my father’s financial and living situation.  He was left to remortgage a home he had paid for in full because Mr Con Man had my dad sign over his home as collateral in case something happened to the conman’s property.

Well once Mr  Con Man hit jail and I realized what a liar and devious person he was  I thought well I had a diamond ring he gave perhaps since the appraisal stated it was worth $20,000 that perhaps I could sell it to a jewelry store owner who was known to buy jewelry from his customers?

Alas the day for meeting with the jeweler arrived.   He compassionately heard my story and applied  his  diamond loupe to his left eye .   He quickly removed the diamond loupe and shook his head and stated he never encountered this before.  I’m so sorry he said but the diamond ring is pure glass and is not even a  zirconia.  Well what a creep ?  He probably at some point switched the ring and had the real diamond in his possession.

Well of course following this event ;  everyone in the family shunned me .

My father tried allowing me to live with him but it was difficult as I owed him money and well had to start over from ground zero.

Following this experience and the fact I had to go back to work quickly as I was broke and had to declare bankruptcy .  It turned out that I did not until later on in life,  fully understand the ramifications of my experiences living with this conman and learning he had betrayed me .   That the toll of  losing family and acquaintances in the process was more painful to bear than I had imagined.

During the years following this experience I made poor choices in relationships never recognizing that I was suffering from PTSD.

How did I regain my sanity and learn to forgive those that held me so accountable for a mistake I made ?   Through therapy  I learned that it  was due to the fact that I did not have a strong male figure in my early developmental years of my life and this was compounded by the dysfunctional family dynamics and the dysfunctional school system I had to deal with.

My mother had struggled  to keep us alive and healthy;  while my father stayed in Europe studying medicine.  I lived with an aunt who despised me and a grandmother who was almost totally deaf and was a student studying  in a  very prejudiced school system. I struggled in school and it was in these unhealthy environments that  I could not thrive or learn.

My siblings have little recollection about my struggles or the dysfunctionality of my aunt’s relationship towards me and how her ( my mother’s sisters)  allowed my aunt to poison them and make them silent partners rather than champions towards the welfare of an innocent child.   My two siblings  were considered smarter and actually excelled in school and were accepted into the best of colleges.

I on the other hand wound up on the waitlist and was finally accepted into a local university and struggled in the overwhelming large college campus environment.

It was towards the end of my college days and working first as a child psychology tester for the state of NJ and then working in clerical environment,  that I found my passion which was medicine.

I became an RN in the state of NJ and moved up the career ladder till I found my passion in surgical trauma intensive care.  It was here I found people of like minded goals and comraderie and saw many miracles.

I did not learn from my earlier mistakes as the PTSD was not addressed .  It was through trial and error and seeking counseling that I discovered I was not a mistake .  I had a purpose in life and that I did not cause hardship on my family.  It was the conman who did and he according to the FBI was the best in the state of NJ.

Through this struggle with guilt and being constantly ignored and not invited to family functions for over 15 years and still to this day ;  that I realized the missing piece in the equation was my spirituality that somehow my relationship with God could either turn these events into a positive or a negative. 

That is how I found the Modern Mystery School and discovered what my purpose in life was.   It was to help others heal from traumas and also offer them a path of progression where in turn they could help others heal psychologically, spiritually and physically.  

Through these struggles I learned not to hold onto guilt and shame but release it to the universe and forgive myself then once I did that I could in turn forgive those in the family who shunned me.  They may never invite me to any gatherings or events and may selectively inform me only of relative’s deaths but not their hospitalizations prior to their demise;  but I in turn I need to let them be.  

There is a saying that time heals all wounds but that is not true.  It is only in our facing that which wounded us and understanding why we actively chose at that point in time to be wounded , that in turn we can forgive ourselves.  Sometimes the wounds seem beyond our understanding and the inflicted pain and suffering seem worthless.   But I have learned to give it meaning by offering up so that others can learn from my mistakes and also where I in turn can help them heal from their wounds.

My wish for everyone is to know you are never alone and that there is always someone struggling with pain or sorrow and that from our personal experiences we in turn can help each other grow and heal emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  We can guide them to be the best that  they can be.  Life is precious and we need to live every day as if it was our last.

Phyllis Francene Livera BA psychology RN BSN guide healer and teacher in the sacred lineage of King Salomon as taught and handed down by founder Gudni

CEO and founder of the Center for Healing and Empowerment